Some marriages are happy. In these difficult times,
when half of every marriage is ending in a divorce, we sometimes forget
that many people do have lasting
and mutually satisfying marriages.
Researchers recently surveyed three hundred
couples who had been married for at least fifteen years and who described themselves
as "happily married.". There
were two common qualities found among these couples that could be a key to a
happy marriage.
1. Most frequently mentioned was having a generally positive
attitude
toward one's spouse and viewing the partner as one's best
friend.
2. The second key was the belief in the importance of commitment.
Marriage was viewed as something people should stick with and work
to
develop in spite of difficult times.
In addition, happily married people agreed
about aims and goals in life, had a desire to make the marriages succeed, and
were able to laugh a lot.
The Bible and Marital Problems
Marriage is one of the first topics discussed
in the Bible (Genesis 2:22-25). It is mentioned throughout the pages
of Scripture and considered in depth
in the New Testament (Matthew 5:31-33; Matthew 19:4-9; Romans 7:1-4; I
Corinthians 7:1-11; Hebrews 13:1-4). The purpose of marriage, the roles
of husband and
wife, the importance of sex, and the responsibilities of parents are all
discussed, sometimes more than once.
What does the Bible say about marital
problems and ways to help troubled marriages? Almost nothing! That is,
not in a direct way but an indirect way. It should
be remembered that marital conflict often is a symptom of something deeper,
such as selfishness, lack of love, unwillingness to forgive, anger, bitterness,
communication problems, anxiety, sexual abuse, drunkenness, feelings of inferiority,
sin, and deliberate rejection of God's will. Each of these can cause
marital tension, each can be influenced by husband-wife conflict, and each
is discussed in depth in the Bible.
The Causes of Marital Problems
In Genesis 2:24, we read that
in marriage a man "will leave his father
and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Three
verbs in this verse-"leaving," "being united," and "becoming
one“ indicate three purposes of marriage.
Leaving involves a departure
from parents and implies a public and legal union of husband and wife into
a marriage. It also shows the closeness of the couple.
There is a great bond between a parent and child, but the relationship between
a husband and wife ought to be a greater bond than a parent and child.
Being
united comes form a Hebrew word that means to stick or glue together. If
you try to separate two pieces of paper which are glued together, you
tear
them both. If you try to separate husband and wife who cleave together, both
are hurt. Ideally, the couple is dedicated to loving, drawing together, and
remaining faithful to each other. When such uniting is absent, they have
an empty marriage that may be legal but is devoid of love.
Becoming one involves
sex, but it goes beyond the physical. It means, that two persons share everything
they have, not only their bodies, not only their
material possessions, but also their thinking and feelings, their joy and
suffering, their hopes and their fears, their successes and failures.
This does not imply
that two personalities are squelched. The uniqueness remains, but these are
combined with those of one's mate to make a complete relationship. When
the one-flesh relationship is lacking, the couple has an unfulfilled marriage.
Marriage
problems often arise because a husband and wife have deviated from the biblical
standards outlined in Genesis 2:24 and elaborated on in later
portions of Scripture. Modern psychology, sociology, and related disciplines
have clarified some of the ways in which people deviate from these biblical
standards for marriage.
1. Faulty Communication. In the professional literature, this probably
is the most commonly mentioned cause of marital conflict. James 4:1-3
notes that communication
problems inevitably result when people pursue self-centered goals, but sometimes
problems also come because individuals have not learned how to communicate
clearly and efficiently.
Communication involves the sending and receiving of
messages. Messages are sent verbally (with words) and nonverbally (with gestures,
tone of voice, facial
expressions, words on paper, images on a computer screen, actions, gifts,
or even periods of silence Job 1:12-13). When the verbal and the nonverbal
contradict,
a double message is sent. This leads to confusion and communication breakdown.
Consider, for example, the woman who says verbally, "I don't mind
if you go on the business trip," but whose slumping posture, and depression
like lack of enthusiasm says, "I really don't want you to go." In
contrast, a wife gets a confused double message when her husband says,
"I
love you and like spending time with you," but never is home, never takes
his wife out to dinner, or never does anything to show his love and appreciation.
In good communication the message sent verbally is consistent with the message
sent nonverbally.
Always remember that there has to be a giver and a receiver
in order to have good communication. When it's happening, the flow between
you and another feels balanced and in harmony and that is good communication.
When you give,
the other receives. For two people to communicate, you always need a Giver
and a Receiver.
2. Under integrated or over integrated relationships. Getting
close to another person is risky. We open ourselves to criticism and possible
rejection when
we let another person know us intimately, become aware of our insecurities,
or see our weaknesses. It is not easy to trust another person-even when that
other person is a marriage partner.
What is meant by an under integrated marriage
is that the husband and wife appear to grow apart over the years. There is
little willingness to share confidences,
to be vulnerable, or to develop mutual life goals. Instead, each seems to
be moving through life independently of the other, with differing needs
and goals.
In this relationship, there is a tendency, to be defensive, to criticize
and put down each other or to manipulate one another. Defensive, self-centered
attitudes create tension and push the husband and wife apart.
In contrast, over
integrated marriage occurs when a relationship has become so engulfing that
both or one of the partners has lost their identities and
feel trapped. Both partners blame the other for their problems and neither
is able to stand back, look at individual needs and evaluate one's
own faults that may be contributing to the tension. In time there may be
a verbal
or physically violent reaction as both partners try to tear away from the
confinement of such stifling relationship.
3. Interpersonal Tension. When
two people marry, each comes to the marriage with approximately two or
more decades of past experiences and ways of looking
at life. Each has perspectives that are not shared by the other and sometimes,
even when there is a sincere desire for compromise, couples still even
have difficulty resolving their differences.
What happens if there is unwillingness
to change, insensitivity to the other person's viewpoints, or a refusal
to acknowledge the differences? Often there is tension that frequently centers
on one of the following issues.
(a) Sex. At times most couples have sexual
problems. What causes sexual difficulty in marriage? The lack of accurate
knowledge (1 Peter 3:7), unrealistic expectations,
fear of not being able to perform adequately, differences in sexual drive,
inhibiting attitudes about sex, and insufficient opportunities for privacy.
Impatience, frigidity, tiredness, and infidelity in turn create more tension,
and this further hinders smooth sexual functioning. When these problems
are not resolved, marriages almost always suffer.
(b) Roles. We live at
a time when traditional male-female roles are being reevaluated. This
often leads to conflict over what it means to be a husband
or wife. The
society gives little guidance because opinions seem to be changing so rapidly.
The Bible, in contrast, is much more explicit (Ephesians 5:22-25). Often
this tension centers on the nature and extent of the wife's work
or career goals.
(c) Inflexibility. When a man and woman marry, each brings
a unique personality to the marriage. When a couple first marries there
often is a time of excitement,
enthusiasm, and youthful idealism. As the partners grow older and the
months turn into years, the marriage must also change and mature if it
is to stay
healthy. As people go through changes at different stages in life, so
do marriages. Marriages must grow through stages if they are to remain
stable
and fulfilling.
When couples are too busy or too rigid to work at building and enriching
their marriages, problems are likely to develop.
(d) Religion. The Bible
warns of problems when a believer and an unbeliever try to live together
in marriage (1 Corinthians 7:12-15). When a husband
and wife differ from each other in their religious preferences, the degree
of commitment
to spiritual things, interest in religion, or expectations about the
religious education of children become a major tension problem. Sometimes
these differences
create tension in other areas such as choice of friends, views of ethics
or the use of time on Sundays. Religion can be a binding, strengthening
force in a marriage, but when a husband and wife have different viewpoints,
religion
can also be a destructive focus for marital tension. Notice I said religion,
not the Bible. We must not confuse man's religions with Bible teachings!
(e)
Values. What is really important in life? How should we spend our time
and money? What are our goals? These questions concern values. When
a couple
has similar values, the marriage is often healthy and growing. When values
are in conflict, however, the relationship may be one of tension, power
struggles, and mutual criticism. Value conflicts are at the heart of
many marital problems.
This is where the Bible can become a great source of values in which
a couple can build a solid foundation for marriage.
(f) Conflicting needs
and Personality Differences. Most people will agree that we each need
food; rest; air and freedom from pain, but there also
are psychological
needs such as the need for love, security, and contact with others. In
addition it seems that most people have unique personal needs (such as
the need to
dominate, need to control, to possess, to achieve, or to help and rescue
others). If
one spouse has a need to dominate while the other wants to be controlled,
then there may be compatibility. If both are devoted to career building,
there can
be conflict, especially if one spouse wants to accept a career advancement
that will involve a family move and the other spouse resists.
Personality
differences also can create tension. When one spouse is open (freely
sharing about one's needs, temptations, attitudes, and feelings)
but the other spouse tends to hold things in, these differences can create
problems.
(g) Money. How are the family finances to be earned? Who controls
the money? How is it to be spent? What things are really needed and which
are merely
desirable? Is a budget necessary? What happens when there is a shortage
of money?
Answers to questions like these reflect one's financial values
and attitudes. When a husband and wife have different answers to these
kinds of questions,
there is potential for conflict.
4. External Pressures. Sometimes marital
tensions appear or are made worse because of the pressure that comes
from other people or from stressful
situations. These external sources of pressure include:
Most of these pressures can
be resisted, but each can be a powerful threat to marital harmony.
The Effects of Marital Problems
Bookstores and library shelves are filled with books describing the experiences
of once-happy marriages that grew cold, distant, and unhappy. Even as they
tell their own stories, the authors of these books show how difficult it
can be to separate the effects of marital distress from the causes.
1. Confusion, Despair, and Hopelessness. Caught in the middle of conflict
and watching one's marriage disintegrate, the husband and/or wife
often feels overwhelmed and confused about what to do next. Every marriage
is built on
hope. People marry because they hope that life together will be more effective,
satisfying, and purposeful than life alone. Nearly every marriage goes through
periods of disillusionment. When this happens, hope is often replaced by
sadness, hurt, and anger. The partners feel hopeless and hopelessness
feelings are contagious.
2. Withdrawal. It is impossible to estimate
the number of people who are legally married, and sleeping in the same
bed, but who are emotionally and
psychologically
divorced. The husband and wife may even engage in similar activities and
go places together, but there is little warmth, concern, communication, intimacy,
love, or interest in one's mate. By withdrawing emotionally from each
other, the partners avoid the pain and social stigma of divorce. Conflicts
remain but there are few battles, and the marriage persists as an uneasy
truce that may extend for a lifetime.
3. Desertion. When the marital and
family pressures get too intense, some people simply leave. It is difficult
to compile statistics on the incidents
of desertion,
but there is evidence that thousands of mates desert their families each
year and leave hurt feelings, confusion, uncertainty, financial pressures
and one-parent
families behind.
4. Separation or Divorce. Divorce might be viewed as the
legal termination of a once-promising, hope-filled, and satisfying
relationship that has
been coming apart socially and emotionally. Even though it is common,
divorce is never a happy solution to marital problems. It is used too
often and
too
quickly
as a way to escape marital difficulties. Couples sometimes ignore the
biblical guidelines for dissolving a marriage (Matthew 5:31-32; 19:1-9).
