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Marriage is not a very stable institution-at least in the Western
world. Here in the United States the average duration of a marriage
is only 9.4 years. More than a million couples are divorced every
year. Many who stay together do so out of convenience for the
rearing of children and for financial reasons.
Some marriages are happy. In these difficult times, when half of every marriage is ending in a divorce, we sometimes forget that many people do have lasting and mutually satisfying marriages.
Researchers recently surveyed three hundred couples who had been married for at least fifteen years and who described themselves as "happily married.". There were two common qualities found among these couples that could be a key to a happy marriage.
In addition, happily married people agreed about aims and goals
in life, had a desire to make the marriages succeed, and were able
to laugh a lot.
The Bible and Marital Problems
Marriage is one of the first topics discussed in the Bible (Genesis 2:22-25). It is mentioned throughout the pages of Scripture and considered in depth in the New Testament (Matthew 5:31-33; Matthew 19:4-9; Romans 7:1-4; I Corinthians 7:1-11; Hebrews 13:1-4). The purpose of marriage, the roles of husband and wife, the importance of sex, and the responsibilities of parents are all discussed, sometimes more than once.
What does the Bible say about marital problems and ways to help troubled marriages? Almost nothing! That is, not in a direct way but an indirect way. It should be remembered that marital conflict often is a symptom of something deeper, such as selfishness, lack of love, unwillingness to forgive, anger, bitterness, communication problems, anxiety, sexual abuse, drunkenness, feelings of inferiority, sin, and deliberate rejection of God's will. Each of these can cause marital tension, each can be influenced by husband-wife conflict, and each is discussed in depth in the Bible.
The Causes of Marital Problems
In Genesis 2:24, we read that in marriage a man "will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Three verbs in this verse-"leaving," "being united," and "becoming one“ indicate three purposes of marriage.
Leaving involves a departure from parents and implies a public and legal union of husband and wife into a marriage. It also shows the closeness of the couple. There is a great bond between a parent and child, but the relationship between a husband and wife ought to be a greater bond than a parent and child.
Being united comes form a Hebrew word that means to stick or glue together. If you try to separate two pieces of paper which are glued together, you tear them both. If you try to separate husband and wife who cleave together, both are hurt. Ideally, the couple is dedicated to loving, drawing together, and remaining faithful to each other. When such uniting is absent, they have an empty marriage that may be legal but is devoid of love.
Becoming one involves sex, but it goes beyond the physical. It means, that two persons share everything they have, not only their bodies, not only their material possessions, but also their thinking and feelings, their joy and suffering, their hopes and their fears, their successes and failures. This does not imply that two personalities are squelched. The uniqueness remains, but these are combined with those of one's mate to make a complete relationship. When the one-flesh relationship is lacking, the couple has an unfulfilled marriage.
Marriage problems often arise because a husband and wife have deviated from the biblical standards outlined in Genesis 2:24 and elaborated on in later portions of Scripture. Modern psychology, sociology, and related disciplines have clarified some of the ways in which people deviate from these biblical standards for marriage.
In the professional literature, this probably is the most
commonly mentioned cause of marital conflict. James 4:1-3 notes that
communication problems inevitably result when people pursue
self-centered goals, but sometimes problems also come because
individuals have not learned how to communicate clearly and
Communication involves the sending and receiving of messages. Messages are sent verbally (with words) and nonverbally (with gestures, tone of voice, facial expressions, words on paper, images on a computer screen, actions, gifts, or even periods of silence Job 1:12-13). When the verbal and the nonverbal contradict, a double message is sent. This leads to confusion and communication breakdown. Consider, for example, the woman who says verbally, "I don't mind if you go on the business trip," but whose slumping posture, and depression like lack of enthusiasm says, "I really don't want you to go." In contrast, a wife gets a confused double message when her husband says, "I love you and like spending time with you," but never is home, never takes his wife out to dinner, or never does anything to show his love and appreciation. In good communication the message sent verbally is consistent with the message sent nonverbally.
Always remember that there has to be a giver and a receiver in order to have good communication. When it's happening, the flow between you and another feels balanced and in harmony and that is good communication. When you give, the other receives. For two people to communicate, you always need a Giver and a Receiver.
Getting close to another person is risky. We open ourselves to
criticism and possible rejection when we let another person know us
intimately, become aware of our insecurities, or see our weaknesses.
It is not easy to trust another person-even when that other person
is a marriage partner.
What is meant by an under integrated marriage is that the husband and wife appear to grow apart over the years. There is little willingness to share confidences, to be vulnerable, or to develop mutual life goals. Instead, each seems to be moving through life independently of the other, with differing needs and goals. In this relationship, there is a tendency, to be defensive, to criticize and put down each other or to manipulate one another. Defensive, self-centered attitudes create tension and push the husband and wife apart.
In contrast, over integrated marriage occurs when a relationship has become so engulfing that both or one of the partners has lost their identities and feel trapped. Both partners blame the other for their problems and neither is able to stand back, look at individual needs and evaluate one's own faults that may be contributing to the tension. In time there may be a verbal or physically violent reaction as both partners try to tear away from the confinement of such stifling relationship.
When two people marry, each comes to the marriage with
approximately two or more decades of past experiences and ways of
looking at life. Each has perspectives that are not shared by the
other and sometimes, even when there is a sincere desire for
compromise, couples still even have difficulty resolving their
What happens if there is unwillingness to change, insensitivity to the other person's viewpoints, or a refusal to acknowledge the differences? Often there is tension that frequently centers on one of the following issues.
Sometimes marital tensions appear or are made worse because of the pressure that comes from other people or from stressful situations. These external sources of pressure include:
Most of these pressures can be resisted, but each can be a powerful threat to marital harmony.
Bookstores and library shelves are filled with books describing the experiences of once-happy marriages that grew cold, distant, and unhappy. Even as they tell their own stories, the authors of these books show how difficult it can be to separate the effects of marital distress from the causes.