For
some reason, probably to get something out of her purse, she reached down
to the floor of the car, taking her eyes off the road for a mere second. Without
realizing it, her car drifted off to the right causing her to quickly
sit back up, but it was too late to avoid the accident. She
slammed into the back of a flatbed truck parked on the side of the road
where it had run out of gas. She
was killed instantly as the bed of the truck came through the windshield
and struck her in the forehead. The
truck had been driven by a sixteen year old boy as part of his summer
job, and he’d failed to keep an eye on the gas gauge.
As
I read this tragic story I was reminded that I have a teenage driver to
think about. I was also reminded of my relationship with my children. When
it comes to teenagers, it is a given that they won’t always listen to
what their parents tell them. They
are growing up and becoming independent, feeling that their parents just
don’t understand them. As
a result parents feel a loss of control and have a difficult time trying
to keep the doors of communication open. In
my twenty nine years of having been a minister, I have observed many homes
where misery is the description because of
the strained relationship between parents and their teenage children.
The
problem, or source of conflict, is agreeing on when “on your own” begins. Teens
want to be on their own, but depending on the maturity of the teens and
the relationship they have with their parents, they generally want independence
sooner than we parents are willing to give. The
result is often conflict, rebellion, alienation, and serious crisis. The
relationship can deteriorate quickly.
Part
of the problem stems from the fact that teens are not children and certainly
not adults. Yet teens
have developed different ideas, feelings, and even values than we have. Where
there are differences there are conflicts and conflicts are a normal
part of human relations.
The
roots of solving the conflicts really stems from the relationship that
has been building for the past several years. Parents
who have never learned to communicate or disciplined their children while
they were young usually resort to “Tough Love” when their children are
older. “Cracking the whip” and
threatening “boot them out” rarely can undo ten or fifteen years of poor
parenting.
What
can we do?
To
often people think because I am a minister that I have the answers or
they believe that I have a perfect family, with a loving wife and obedient
children, who would never have a conflict with me (the preacher, teacher,
and perfect father)? Unfortunately,
most of what I know about being a father comes from trial and error, and
I have made enough errors to be put on trial.
We
all need to understand that it is not a matter of whether or not your
family has conflicts, since all families do, but what you plan to do about
those conflicts when they arise. In
homes where Jesus is the head of the family, we must work out our conflicts
with loving, and compassionate way with the Bible as our text book!
I
believe communication is our highest priority. We
as parents must make every effort to keep the lines open. “Death
and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov.
18: 21). James says “…the
tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold,
how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And
the tongue is a fire…” (James 3:5-6). How
do we as parents communicate with our teens?
Fritz
Ridenour wrote a very insightful book entitled What Teenagers Wish
Their Parents Knew About Kids. In his book
he discusses several “Communication Killers” which he refers to as “verbal
missiles”. These six killers
will help parents understand how they can destroy communication with their
teens.
Gunslinger
words are the cutting and sarcastic comments made “when we shoot from
the hip.” Sometimes we use
them when we are tired or grouchy, but other times we are just being thoughtless:
“If you keep eating like that I will have to buy new shocks for my car.”
“Are
you still dating that freak?”
“Son,
how could you be so stupid?”
Have
you ever been working on something mechanical with your son or daughter,
and they had a hard time understanding something that was simple to you?
You blurted out “Use your brain”, or “Use your head” or my favorite one
to use is “Think.” What this
does it creates anger and bitterness and can destroy self-esteem. It sure
doesn ’t help us to communicate better!
