Parent Teen Strife

She was a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl with a clear complexion and long, flowing black hair. One week earlier she had graduated from high school. She had been accepted to the collage of her choice and, this very day, had been hired for the summer at one of the large department stores at the local mall. Just minutes after receiving her summer job at the store, she was driving her parents’ car home to join them for lunch.

For some reason, probably to get something out of her purse, she reached down to the floor of the car, taking her eyes off the road for a mere second. Without realizing it, her car drifted off to the right causing her to quickly sit back up, but it was too late to avoid the accident. She slammed into the back of a flatbed truck parked on the side of the road where it had run out of gas. She was killed instantly as the bed of the truck came through the windshield and struck her in the forehead. The truck had been driven by a sixteen year old boy as part of his summer job, and he’d failed to keep an eye on the gas gauge.

As I read this tragic story I was reminded that I have a teenage driver to think about. I was also reminded of my relationship with my children. When it comes to teenagers, it is a given that they won’t always listen to what their parents tell them. They are growing up and becoming independent, feeling that their parents just don’t understand them. As a result parents feel a loss of control and have a difficult time trying to keep the doors of communication open. In my twenty nine years of having been a minister, I have observed many homes where misery is the description because of the strained relationship between parents and their teenage children.

The problem, or source of conflict, is agreeing on when “on your own” begins. Teens want to be on their own, but depending on the maturity of the teens and the relationship they have with their parents, they generally want independence sooner than we parents are willing to give. The result is often conflict, rebellion, alienation, and serious crisis. The relationship can deteriorate quickly.

Part of the problem stems from the fact that teens are not children and certainly not adults. Yet teens have developed different ideas, feelings, and even values than we have. Where there are differences there are conflicts and conflicts are a normal part of human relations.

The roots of solving the conflicts really stems from the relationship that has been building for the past several years. Parents who have never learned to communicate or disciplined their children while they were young usually resort to “Tough Love” when their children are older. “Cracking the whip” and threatening “boot them out” rarely can undo ten or fifteen years of poor parenting.

What can we do?

To often people think because I am a minister that I have the answers or they believe that I have a perfect family, with a loving wife and obedient children, who would never have a conflict with me (the preacher, teacher, and perfect father)? Unfortunately, most of what I know about being a father comes from trial and error, and I have made enough errors to be put on trial.

We all need to understand that it is not a matter of whether or not your family has conflicts, since all families do, but what you plan to do about those conflicts when they arise. In homes where Jesus is the head of the family, we must work out our conflicts with loving, and compassionate way with the Bible as our text book!

I believe communication is our highest priority. We as parents must make every effort to keep the lines open. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov. 18: 21). James says “…the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold, how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire…” (James 3:5-6). How do we as parents communicate with our teens?

Fritz Ridenour wrote a very insightful book entitled What Teenagers Wish Their Parents Knew About Kids. In his book he discusses several “Communication Killers” which he refers to as “verbal missiles”. These six killers will help parents understand how they can destroy communication with their teens.

Gunslinger words are the cutting and sarcastic comments made “when we shoot from the hip.” Sometimes we use them when we are tired or grouchy, but other times we are just being thoughtless:
“If you keep eating like that I will have to buy new shocks for my car.”

“Are you still dating that freak?”

“Son, how could you be so stupid?”

Have you ever been working on something mechanical with your son or daughter, and they had a hard time understanding something that was simple to you? You blurted out “Use your brain”, or “Use your head” or my favorite one to use is “Think.” What this does it creates anger and bitterness and can destroy self-esteem. It sure doesn’t help us to communicate better!